All day yesterday I was planning on writing a very important blog post. A post that I have been debating about writing for quite some time; a blog post that scares me to the core but that I have felt building for a while now. The timing seemed perfect but the words wouldn’t come. I stared at a blank screen for about 30 minutes before shutting the window on my browser and moving on to something else. Why was I having such a hard time writing something that I’ve been feeling compelled to share more often than not lately? The truth is, I was afraid. Fear pulsed throw my veins and down into my shaking hands as I tried to share my story. It’s still there as I type right now. However, I will not be driven by fear. I will be pushed by love; love for every single one of my friends and family members who might be struggling just like I was, afraid to reach out, afraid to admit their needs, afraid to take the plunge. Today I realized maybe the words wouldn’t come because they already had.
A excerpt from my journal April 2019:
I live in a constant state of terror. I worry about everything under the sun. I set impossible standards and suffer from frequent disappointments when I once again fail to meet them. From the outside it seems self induced but there is nothing voluntary about the way I have been feeling.High-functioning anxiety. What a blessing. Everybody thinks i have it together but in reality I’m reaching out now to tell you I don’t. I’m struggling. I try to gain control in any way I can.. meaning I have the tendency to flip my shit when people try to flip the switch. I just need it all to go my way, my perfectly mapped out anxiety driven master plan. I’ve turned into a monster. I squeeze the fun out of things like my anxiety squeezes the breath from my chest. I’m rambling. I’m sad. I’m treading water. I’m drowning. I can’t tell anymore.
An excerpt from my journal July 2019
“It’s okay to feel deeply and often. That means your heart is alive and we need that.”
26 has been a tough year. I feel as if I have been continuously tested with no end in sight. I am finally beginning to see the silver lining of it all, the growth and personal development, though painful, is extremely necessary. The struggles forced me to finally face my fears and reach out for help. I had my first therapy session this week and I’m still in awe with how easy it was to spill out my life story and cry in front of a complete stranger. I explained how even though things are currently on the upswing, I don’t want to have to ever feel as dark, lost, and hopeless as I was. The pressure of being the sole provider for my family was extreme and the pressure to perform well and impress people at work was bubbling to the breaking point. I’ve always had an issue with associating my self worth with my performance. You can’t perform well and achieve perfection when you’re consistently on the verge of burnout (or way past it if I’m being completely honest). I’m ready to feel good about myself again. I’m ready to feel confident in my relationship. I’m absolutely ready to become a more patient and understanding mom. It was nice to hear from a professional that I can learn to manage and live with my anxiety and process my trauma. I’m ready to make the changes and the changes start with me.
An excerpt from my journal August 2019
“I am made up of the same matter as the sky. If Jupiter can changer her orbit, why can’t I?”
Growth mindset is key in leading a happy, purposeful life. I’ve been working on myself a lot recently because I was struggling so severely for quite some time. I need to take steps and make changes now before I get bad again. I’m working on quieting the storm in my head and resisting the urge to sprint ahead in haste or lag behind in fear. During therapy we talked about how I could use some work on creating and enforcing boundaries while also letting go of the habit of overextending and over scheduling myself. I cannot hide from myself forever. What has happened to me and what I’ve been through does not have to be a life sentence. I am in control. I can make positive changes and transform my mindset. One day at a time, one task at a time, I will conquer everything I have set out to. I am capable of so many great things and I will not squander my change at a dope ass life by allowing my life circumstances to hold me back.
An excerpt from my journal September 2019
“Somewhere there is a past you overflowing with so much pride looking at how far you’ve come.”
I’m too hard on myself. That’s the truth. I am my biggest critic with impossible standards. It may have served a purpose once but now all it does is cause anxiety and low self-esteem. I am capable. I am strong. I am growing and learning and proud as hell of my progress. I always feel like I have to prove my worth to others but the truth is I am worthy regardless of what anyone thinks. I have been through an insurmountable amount of trauma and adverse childhood experiences but I refuse to let that determine who I am and who I am capable of becoming. Yes they shaped me but they didn’t make me, me. The sooner I can come to terms with my life circumstances the sooner I’ll be able to release some resentment. I cannot control what happened to me but I can control what I decide to do about it. I wish share my story as a beacon of hope. Resilience is possible. Success is possible. Growth and healing are possible. Fear held me back for so very long. Fear of discovery, fear of awareness, fear of transparency. I will never feel whole until I stop hiding behind my perfect facade. I am not what happened to me. I am so much more.
An excerpt from my journal October 2019
“Healing is an art. It takes time. It takes practice. It takes LOVE.”
I have been feeling better lately, more sure of myself, my needs, my direction. I’ve committed to learning to create health boundaries. I’m starting small and forgiving myself for any hiccups along the way. Perfection is over-rated. Be YOU. I have been busy, busy. I am still learning how to slow it down but I managed to take two easy days last week and am planning more. Arya and I’s relationship has improved so much and I’m proud of the growth I’m displaying. Richard and I have also been making some incredible progress. Some things that have been lifting me up lately:
- Working out and feeling stronger
- Positive parenting with Arya
- Frequent walks with my dogs
- Gratefulness
I was so stuck in my rut I was forgetting to look around and embrace the great things about my life, like my family, my growth mindset, my friends, my car, my house, my dogs, etc. I have a beautiful life and though not everything in it is/was beautiful, it is all a part of my story. Embrace your story. Face your fears. Move forward. Move quickly. Move now.”
I’m not sharing this information because I want pity or because it’s comfortable for me to have everyone to know my business, but because I know what it feels like to hide in fear and shame. I know how scary it can be to pick up the phone and ask your insurance provider what mental health services they cover. I know how scary it can be to call and make the appointment, asking meekly with your fingers crossed whether they are within your insurance’s network. I know how scary it can be to get out of the car on the first day and enter the building, scanning the area hoping no one sees. I know how scary it can be to admit you need help to anyone, let alone a stranger on the phone. I know how much easier it must seem to continue to push aside the issues, and power through. I know how much easier it seems to keep it all tucked away in a neat box, unopened and “forgotten”. The problem is our body remembers. Our experiences and stresses live with us and continue to affect our functioning until we decide to make a real tangible change. I had no idea how much my past was still affecting me until I went to therapy and began to make those connections. Now I feel more in control, more capable of solving my problems. I’m sharing my story to help end the stigma. It is NORMAL to receive mental health services. You do not NEED a mental health disorder to NEED services. Life is fucking hard. That’s the truth. It doesn’t get easier unless your prioritize your health: physical and mental. Take the plunge.Make yourself a priority because if you aren’t who is?
