Let me start off by saying, holy fuck what a crazy world we live in. The past few weeks I’ve been waking up in almost disbelief at the current state of affairs but this isn’t a blog about that. At least not totally. I think we could all use a little break from the constant drone of Corona Virus related news. This blog post is about reflection and self awareness. This week I was laying on my couch watching yet another episode of Greys Anatomy when my 3 year old daughter came over and told me how happy she was that mommy was spending the day at home with her AGAIN. I’m embarrassed to admit how often she has NOT been able to say that in her roughly 3.5 years of existence on this earth. I have worked 2 jobs pretty much her whole life. 6 days a week I wake up and go to work. 6 days a week I miss out on CRUCIAL time with my daughter. It is what it is. There’s not a whole lot I can do to control that and the more I punish and shame myself for it, the worse I feel and the worse I parent.
My point being, 6 days this week I did not have to get up and go to work. 6 days this week I did not have to battle Arya to get ready so mommy isn’t late to work. 6 days this week we had breakfast together. 6 days this week we had lunch together. 6 days this week we had dinner together. 6 whole days. 6 days of princess tea parties, playdough popcorn, dance parties, and hide and seek. 6 days of movie nights, cosmic kids yoga, and reading stories.WOW. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been quite the challenge balancing working from home and hanging out with Arya but 6 days and counting I’ve been able to spend my whole day with her. I am beyond fortunate to have this extra unexpected time with her. I’m only crying a little bit as I type this and I’ve only cried a little bit this week as I’ve hung out with my strong willed and determined threenager every single day I swear. Only 6 days and I can already notice myself being a better mother, partner, and dog owner. What is that saying about the empty cup and trying to pour from it like an idiot? I’m sorry, I mean like a silly bug? Oh yeah. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Last year this time, my family was really struggling and I was honestly near a breaking point. My fiance had very serious knee surgery and was then off work for almost 6 months. He was in a lot pain both physically and emotionally every single day and I was working 60-70 hour weeks consistently trying to make up for the lost wages. It was nearly April, which is Child Abuse Prevention month a.k.a. my busiest month of the year at Safe and Sound. I was working around the clock. I was completely burned out. I had absolutely no energy. I had no time for family or fun with Arya. I had no time for myself. I was angry and resentful that this had to happen to my family. I was hopeless. I was depressed. I was a ticking time bomb. I was BEGGING FOR 6 WHOLE DAYS AT HOME. I was begging for a moment to breathe, a moment to rest, a moment to just be.
Even once Richard was back to work, I was still as busy as ever. Maybe a little less hours total but still 6 days a week I was waking up and going to work. I never got a real rest period. I never got a real break. I just had to work a little less hard…I obviously was still SO exhausted. I talk a little bit about it in my previous blog posts Treading Water and 26 is the year I will…
I was desperate for a little me time. A little us time. A little anybody but my damn works’ time.
“Good things come to those who wait”
some annoying patient person
There a lot of unknowns with this Corona Virus and it’s truly a very stressful time for most of us. Many of my friends and fellow servers are out of work indefinitely. My fiance is out of work indefinitely. I am out of 1 job indefinitely. I am working remotely from the other indefinitely. For the first time ever I consider myself lucky to have (had) two jobs to rely on. Some of my family members and friends are still being forced to work and risk exposure. Other’s are sick and unable to get a test. I’m not sure how things are going to look next month. I’m not sure how things are going to look next week honestly. There are a lot of questions to be answered and problems to be solved. I don’t know how we will get through this. I am worried not only about those I know and love but also the most vulnerable populations who are too often ignored during national crises. Honestly, I don’t know a ton about how we are going successfully to tackle this pandemic and all of the issues it’s caused..
What I do know is: this week to rest, relax and recover has been an absolute blessing. I haven’t had this many naps and snacks in the same week since the original #Staycation of December 2016. IHOP was closed for a week for redecorating and we spent the whole week sleeping in and watching Drew Carey on the Price is Right followed by Wayne Brady on Let’s Make a Deal. This #Staycation I have done a little laundry and cleaning and yeah a little work from home but I have also done A LOT of snuggling, painting, and playing with barbies with my bff. This #Staycation I have low expectations for my “productivity” but high expectations for my intentional moments with Arya. I am always being pushed and pulled by responsibilities. Now for once, I’m being told to stay, to chill, to wait it out. I think I got this.
I know this is scary. I know we have a lot of real and valid worries. I’m not suggesting we forget that. I’m simply suggesting we focus on what we can control. Reconnect with your family. Reconnect with yourself. Prioritize not only your needs but your wants. DO YOU. This #Staycation won’t last forever and I would hate to see you waste this opportunity scrolling through negative news on Facebook for hours, wishing and wasting this time away. I love you guys. Stay safe.