I’m learning to french braid.
Arya is wiggling.
I’m taking deep breaths trying to remain calm.
I just want to prove I can do this.
I just want to prove I can do all of this.
I can be a good mom.
I can be what I never had.
I can learn what I was never shown.
I can grow and be more.
They say the apple never falls far from the tree but I think that’s a reach.
I will be better.
I will be everything I every dreamed of.
Looking back, it wasn’t much.
I will always be there.
I will never stop trying or showing up.
I will never be perfect but I will always be enough.
I will be what I deserved.
I will be the mom I always wanted.
Because all I ever wanted was a mom that french braided my hair.
All I wanted was a mom that was there.
All I wanted was a mom that showed she cared.
The apple grew her own tree.
And I’m proud as can be.
Proud as hell.
Look at me.
Wow! It’s nerve-racking sharing some of my very personal poetry but it’s such an important part of my story. They say a lot of time when you go to college without a clear idea of what you want to be, you end up doing a lot of “me-search.” I found that quite true as I changed my major at least 3 times and ended up with a degree in Child Development and Family Studies. I just had to understand. I needed clarity. I needed answers. I’m not going to go into the deep and dirty details of my childhood at the moment, or bash my parents for the mistakes they made but I will speak a little on the effects adverse childhood experiences can have. Relationships are the fundamental core of all adaptive abilities. When your first and most vital relationships are inconsistent and unhealthy, it has lifelong affects on your ability to form and sustain relationships. In order to heal, it’s important we recognize the ways our parents and other influential caregivers affected us and our personal growth. Doing this allows us to examine our own personal history and relationships and notice the way our history is affecting or infiltrating our parenting style and our coping mechanisms. As a parent, I believe it is my responsibility to do my best to break the cycle. I also have to give myself grace when I don’t hold up to my own high expectations (another trauma response). Old habits die hard, especially ones that were learned young and ingrained in your brain. The good news is, new pathways can be formed. Humans are incredibly resilient beings. We are capable of so many amazing things. Today, I am 27. I am a college graduate. I am a mother. I am a health and fitness mentor. I am a successful professional working as a Child Abuse Prevention and Education Specialist. I have dedicated my life to strengthening families and promoting protective factors. I still struggle daily to break the cycle but I am resilient. My past experiences have strengthened and transformed me. I can solve problems creatively and take life events in stride. I can learn to french braid.
Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.
Maya Angelou
Don’t just take my word for it!
Listen to the experts:
“Ever get red-hot angry at your child for no reason, or out of proportion to the incident that provoked it? Have you wondered why this happens?
The way we were parented has a profound impact on us – it’s pretty easy to ‘fall into’ parenting the way you were parented yourself unless you specifically examine your relationship with your parent(s) and how it impacts the way you parent your own child. This can be great if you have a positive relationship with your parents, but for those of us with less-than-amazing relationships with our parents, trauma can impact more of our parenting that we might like.
Join me for a conversation with Dr. Rebecca Babcock-Fenerci from Stonehill College in Massachusetts, who researches the cognitive and interpersonal consequences of child maltreatment, with the goal of understanding factors that can increase risk for or protect against the transmission of abuse and neglect from parents to their children.
Even if you were not abused or neglected as a child, you may find that aspects of the way you were parented have left you with unresolved trauma that you could pass on to your child if it remains unaddressed. Dr. Fenerci helps us to examine some of the ways we can recognize the impact of this trauma on ourselves, and reduce the possibility that we will transmit it to our child.” https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/intergenerationaltrauma/
Disclaimer: I have had many influential adults in my life that stepped up and did their absolute best to fill the missing roles in my life. I appreciate their love and support always and am in no way diminishing their efforts and the positive impact they have had on my life. This post was not made in an effort to bash my mom. I have healthier relationships with my parents as an adult than I ever did as a child. I am working on forgiveness and healthy boundaries as I explore these relationships. They are both EXCELLENT grandparents. I truly believe everyone can learn and grow, even my parents. There is nothing but love and light meant to come from this post.