In honor of May being Mental Health Awareness Month I am going to go out on a limb today and possibly make a lot of my girlfriends mad, forgive me ladies! I am going to ask you to please let your man play video games in peace. I cant tell you how many memes or angry tweets I’ve seen aimed at men and playing video games. I know I know, so many of us view them as a complete waste of time and maybe a lot of the men in our life do spend more time than you think they should playing Call of Duty or Fortnite or other stupid shooting games where they have to loudly shit talk with their friends but what if we stopped viewing it as them “wasting time”?
Society has but an unbelievable amount of pressure on boys and men to suppress emotions and to keep things to themselves. They are often given way less opportunities for sharing personal issues and expressing vulnerabilities. Men are literally suffering in silence every single day. It’s a massive problem affecting all aspects of community life. Men are crippled by these “Men Mental Health Myths” and grow up with countless preconceived notions about what it means to be a “man” and how a man must act. Examples include but are not limited to:
- Boys/Men don’t cry.
- Asking for help is a sign of weakness.
- “Stop acting like a bitch.”
- Men don’t have mental health issues.
- Talking about your feelings is weak.
I’m sitting over here thinking of the 4 times I’ve cried and the 25 times I’ve talked about my feelings this week alone. It’s tuesday.. I can’t imagine living in a world where I’m constantly shamed for feeling emotions I have no control over. This terrible habit of shaming our boys into men than can’t express emotion freely or constructively cannot continue. We’ve got to meet our men where they are at and support their social emotional needs and in my totally personal opinion that absolutely includes encouraging them to play video games with the boys aka building their support system.
I know it can get very frustrating as your significant other spends hours yelling “Got that guy for 90” or “On me on me on me dropping on me” or “Squad ahead east 240”. I realize there are definitely times where I hear the little beep of the PlayStation turning on and even I can feel myself wanting to sigh. Then I hear him say “Where we dropping boys?” and I listen to him begin to laugh, goof off and talk with his friends. I decide to use this time to catch up on my shows or read a book. I don’t use this time to shame him for not wanting to spend it with me. Guys need a solid support system too and their relationships are just as important even if they don’t necessarily work or form in the same way women’s do. Though many video games are often criticized for being too violent or inappropriate, they are an escape for many. It can be way easier to talk to your friends about the stuff bothering you over your headset than it is in person or through text/on the phone. There is game play to break up awkward pauses and easy ways to keep to conversation moving along. Ultimately, it can be a constructive way to get out a lot of pent up frustration and anger. I imagine when you’re busy all day suppressing your emotions, it’s nice to have a healthy way to decompress. It’s a gateway to another world when the anxiety or depression or negative self talk becomes overwhelming. I’m not saying this is a one size fit all solution and obviously boundaries must be implemented. It’s not healthy to play ALL the time or to let it interfere with your personal or professional life. I’m simply stating shaming boys and men for finding hobby’s they love to do (in this instance video games) and for wanting to hang out with the boys (their support system) is not the solution to the #MensMentalHealthCrisis our country is facing.
We need to redefine manhood but that’s going to take time. Furthermore, we need to address toxic masculinity and support our boys and men in ways we never have. We need to make adjustments in our own lives that address the unconscious bias we may have towards men who express emotions. Meanwhile, as we wait for these greater societal changes to happen we have got to support the men we love in any way possible. We have to give them opportunities to connect with their friends and talk about those forbidden feelings. We need to encourage them to build their support systems and practice self reflection and self care. Finally, we have to give them an outlet for this pent up aggression or we’re going to continue to see a pattern of men using violence as a coping mechanism.
Men commit the overwhelming majority of violent crimes, are disproportionately the victims of violent crimes, and are more than three times more likely to die by suicide than women.
It’s all too clear that we need monumental social change to break this toxic cycle. We’ve got to cultivate a culture that supports boys social emotional development at a young age and raises young men who can feel and manage their emotions. We need to raise strong men and women who are healthy and happy. I want us to raise them to cultivate love and spread joy. Let them feel the feels because maybe once we do they’ll finally understand where we are coming from! Am I right ladies? It’s either that or we keep raising Kyle’s that punch dry wall and drink monsters. Your choice America.
Dear boys and men I know and love,
Your feelings are valid. Nobody is acting like a bitch. Asking for help is okay. You deserve help. Everyone needs help sometimes. Nobody can do this life alone. Talking about your feelings helps you face your feelings. Crying is okay. The shower is the best spot if you like your privacy. You are not weak. You are so strong. You deserve some self care. Do some things just for you. You deserve happiness. You deserve a future full of optimism and hope. Don’t sell yourself short.
Love always,
Dez
Well written!!!Some very interesting points you’ve made! I feel like I’m constantly battling with my 9yr old son to read a book or play sports or “do something constructive” or educational or physically active, as opposed to video games but lately I’ve started to try and view it differently. Having a blended family, it’s been somewhat of a challenge to facilitate a bond between my husband and son. However, the main way that they can relate and interact is playing Fortnite. So my husband bought a Switch and him and our son play. I like that they always ask me first before playing, then if there are chores that need done around the house they can pitch in and get it done before gaming and then I’m not feeling resentful that I’m doing all the work while they are playing. Also makes THE BEST bargaining chip to get him to finish his schoolwork. I had never really considered the issues you brought up in this article. You are a phenomenal writer!!!
I am totally with you on the needing balance with outside activities and other hobbies! It’s important we don’t spend ALL our time playing video games but there are a lot of benefits to gaming in moderation!I love the idea of having them finish the chores or check with you first! We have similar routines in place! I honestly never would have gained this perspective if it wasn’t for years of having a gamer boyfriend and having to find peace with it! Once I really started to intentionally notice him playing, I saw what the big draw was. He doesn’t realize how much I’ve been learning from him while I pretend to watch my shoes or read a book while he games! Thanks for your support always!