For so many years I have been living in a fast-paced, high stakes world, consistently moving from one endeavor to the next. The hustle and bustle keeps my mind and body busy, subsiding my anxiety (or at least I thought). I would notice my plate was getting full and add on another item. When things come to an end I frantically search what I can fill that time with. If I’m overwhelmed with my schedule, I add something in. It’s a terrible, exhausting, and self-defeating habit. I’ve suffered through years of lack of sleep, lack of proper nutrition, and lack of creative spark because I was so busy burying myself under my workload.
I’ve spent a significant amount of time this summer working on me, actually taking time to look at my life, what is bringing me joy, and what is sucking the life right out of me. Turns out, I’m the life sucker! Just kidding, but I am 100% part of the problem. I self-sabotage my own happiness and peace. I’m afraid of the uncertainty of free time, the unpredictability of a more relaxed schedule. What’s the result of this? Severe burnout. I’ve gotten so good at functioning in this state that I almost don’t realize when I’m in it. A couple key signs I’ve learned to look for include:
- You’re not taking care of your basic needs. CHECK. Did I even eat today? Who knows?
- Your to-do list is overwhelming. CHECK. CHECK. CHECK. Trust me you don’t even want to see this bad boy.
- Your life doesn’t motivate you or your thoughts are negative. CHECK. When I’m suffering from burnout, I will try and look for an escape, a new project or job. Maybe, if I tried doing this instead I would be happier I tell myself but the reality is I cant be motivated to do ANYTHING when I’m exhausted, hungry, and pessimistic. A change of scenery or environment will not help with the turmoil going on inside of me.
When you live in a constant state of frenzy, wondering what your next big move should be, consistently striving to move forward, up, and onward to bigger and better things, you begin to lose sight on what your concrete life goals are. I’m a perfectionist, and have extremely high expectations for myself. When I’ve accomplished a goal or feel comfortable in my position, I immediately begin pushing myself towards the next goal. This can be an extremely beneficial and detrimental quality. While my growth mindset and work ethic allows me to accomplish basically anything I set my mind too, my anxiety and need to incessantly prove my worth through productivity inhibits my ability to feel relaxed and satisfied with my life.
This led me to applying for an online MBA program this spring through Central Michigan University, even though at the time I already had 2 jobs and a daughter. “People go back to school when they have jobs and kids all the time” I told myself. If they can do it, I can do it. Well it’s two weeks before classes start and I’m looking at my planner trying to find out how I’m going to squeeze this in. I can feel the knot in my stomach tightening as I just think about it. I’m freaking out and feeling like if I can’t figure out how to make this work, I’m a complete loser and failure. That’s how fast my brain takes things from Happy Harriet to Worrying, Woeful, Wanda. I decided to take a step back and listen to a short episode from a podcast series I’ve recently begun enjoying called The Next Right Thing by Emily P Freeman. In this particular podcast she says the one question you should ask yourself when making an important decision is:
“Am I being led by love or pushed by fear?”
Emily P Freeman
Well? Was I being led by love or pushed by fear when I decided to register for fall classes for the MBA program? The podcast mentions “resisting the urge to sprint ahead in a hurry or to lag behind in fear.” Was I sprinting ahead in a hurry when applying for this MBA program or am I lagging behind in fear with this hesitation to start? I don’t want to make such an important decision based on fear. So what am I truly afraid of? I spent about 5-10 minutes scribbling fears surrounding this decision onto a scrap piece of paper. On that paper included the fear of failing classes, fear of failing to implement a consistent schedule, fear of losing motivation at work, fear of not being good enough if I don’t go back to school, and many others. The few that stood out the most to me however had absolutely nothing to do with the program itself. My biggest fears about starting this program was that
- I was going to lose out on even more time with my family.
- I would lose out on even more time to work on myself and what makes me truly happy.
I’m so focused on achieving goals and being perceived as successful that I frequently forget to center my decisions on not what I CAN do, but what I NEED to do. In order for my soul to feel satisfied and fulfilled, I need to have time to be Arya’s mommy and I need time to be a healthy version of myself. What kind of life would I truly have if I continued to put my needs last? What kind of life would I have if I continue to always look for the next big thing and never sit and enjoy what is actually happening right now? It’s like I’m on a cruise, and rather than enjoying the wavy, unpredictable travel between ports, I’m continuously worrying and over-planning our next stop. Why am I refusing to lay by the pool with a book? I’m so busy creating a storm in my head that I can’t even enjoy the actual calm between storms.
What is the plan then? I called my adviser and pushed my enrollment start date to Fall 2020. I’m taking this year and focusing on me. My health. My needs. My happiness. I cannot be the best mother and professional I am capable of being without prioritizing my own well-being. 26 will be the year I create and communicate boundaries. 26 will be the year I name and accept my limits. 26 will be the year I decide what my core values are and implement them in my daily life. 26 is the year I trust the wait and embrace the wisdom of uncertainty. 26 is the year I’m going to make time for the little things and decide what kind of life I actually want.
